Potanda's Mindverse

 She saw him taking a mis-step. She did do. For a heartbeat. She wished things were different and she can be embraced once again with his warmth. But this is not her choice to make. It's purely his. She only faces the consequences. She knew it she knew him...

 You have a lot to say. But lost the fairy men you want to talk to. So you pull you head high, you frown and then move on. And the feelings never told rebel inside you and rage wars on yo mu heart and theu tear it apart and you just feel this war with nothing to do. You keep saying, " I can just forget it, it doesn't matter" But, it does matter and you end up awake everynight at 3 am listening to arctic monkeys and taylor swift...

In a quiet place in the Mindverse there is a lonely Island where kids come here to leave their "almosts". They would whisper their "almosts" to a glowing jar, and each time a kid whispers the jar glows stronger. The almost drawings, The almost dreams, The almost friendships, The almost crafts,  The almost love... The Jar would whisper back:" please come back to me and take your almost". But the kids would leave saying we'll come back when we're ready, when we're perfectly able to complete our "almosts"... But they never come back, they grow old and they forget their dreams and drawings. They grow up with almost a perfection, and they think they were never enough... One gloomy winter day, Potanda wakes up. She slept and dreamed through the storm at night and wondered what this noise calling out to her in the dark. She went outside and saw a piercing light coming from behind the clouds. And so, she embarques on another journey, to answe...

 She wants to reach her beloved ones in the Sky & Beyond. That's what she never really articulated out loud.  She loves purely and she wants to be loved as much. And the truth is, she never really learned to accept unconditional pure love. She always needed to believe in Witchcraft powers to be loved by the wizarding community. But, it's magic she believes in... Isn't odd? that the wording can change in the meaning even if it doesn't change the outcome. Witchcraft and magic, two sides of the same coin. but one you burn if you touch it, and the second you fly if you do.  How can they not love her heart and mind? How can they condition her by terms and practices she never really chose to be part of in the beginning? She chose magic because she had power that were too abnormal for her to be just a human. She needed magic, and she belonged to the magical realms. Not to cults...  Wasn't love supposed to be all innocent and pure? Isn't love free to give? Doesn...

 A horror charachter. Not your typical Zombie brain eater, but your inner voice who tells you to run, avoid, hide your feelings, pretend you're strong and move on. DO RA MI lives in my brain rent free. She feeds on those small actions people I love do to remind me that I am Just me. "Juste me" says she doesn't need validation but she thrives on the kindness people around her gives her all the time. Every like, every I love you, every look I get my way tells me that I am seen, cherished, needed and loved. Don't spare people your kindness. Many DO RA MIs are waiting for harsh acts of unkindness to remind their hosts that they are not enough and unworthy. So be kind.

 Dear Potanda, I have read your mind of how you're seeing life with love and beauty in spite the pain, but Potanda I need you to listen: The pain in my heart has taken roots I don't know the roots depth anymore. Today I felt as if someone is trying to pull the roots out, tearing my heart into not existing anymore. I see the beauty, I see the love in life. But I am missing it. So dear Potanda, tell me what to do. I need you to tell me how to cope, how to act. Cause all I want to do is go inside my cocoon again and shutting my heart out. I want to keep my friends, my family, my everything beside me and save myself from losing everything again.  Dear Potanda, when are we finding peace again? Love without attachment is so much easier. I know I love them unconditionally. Tell me what to do...

 Have mercy on my heart. That;s her message to herself. She's not waiting to tell her anything, to be anything. She's expecting nothing from anyone, but herself. To be goood to herself and to protect her from hurt and unecessary pain. Her love is now beyond confinments

 Let's set the scene: As the dark night ascended, she stood in the middle of nowhere with strings surrounding her. All she is now, all she was, and all she could be. Invisible hands are pushing her all around, but she remains in her place, taking the blows. Looking up to the sky. Stars are turning, time is passing, and she feels everything she ever knew about her existence on this planet is a lie. They told her she was supposed to feel safe with her magic. They told her: to get to the sky and beyond, you have to learn spells and prevail in their wisdom. But the more she learns, the more she's been held down by this heavy, breathtaking, suffocating wisdom. Still, she's looking up. It's been 2 years now that she started this journey, but she's not changing, she's slowly fading. What if she was never meant to reach the sky? What if the broom they handed her only flies when she surrenders her spells and follows the dark?  She's barely breathing, she's alread...

The pain never go away. You cope with it and you learn to accept it.  I am sorry for everything that caused you pain. And I would do anything to just get the chance to talk to you again and tell you how much I love you. I could've been a better daughter. Sometimes I was angry, rage consumed me from understanding that this was your first life as well, and you making mistakes just means you're human. I learned late how much pain you held in your heart, but you were a man. A true man and a family head, and you suffered just to keep us alive. I hate everyone who made your life harder. I can never forgive them, but you did. I lost you so early in life, but I needed you still. The only I could do is to assure you in your final days that I will keep the family together and I will provide for them like you did. But I need you, I feel like failing in everything and it's only your advice that I need. Your ethics, your experience, your support. Most of all, your security. I was not as...

When she aimed for the sky, she didn't know that she will be falling hard over and over again before she could actually fly.  She sat in her room with a mind so twisted, not catching a breath. A pain in the heart, a bullet in the brain.  not a bullet of iron or poison, but a thought: why me.  She wondered, it's been a while now, she's asking this question: Why should I live through this? Why was the sky and beyond my deepest desire? And the answer now is clearer. It's freedom. She longed to be free. Freedom was her fantasy. Because, you see, having all the powers in the world would not set you free. Knowing it all will not set you free. Truth can never set you free. To be free is to be careless. But if you care, then you're a prisoner, contained in fear.  And she is never free. She thought that perhaps if she could learn all the spells in the world, then she could free herself. That she can finally break away from the chains that keep her broom grounded. But little ...

I don't know. I don't know life and I don't know myself. Recently every puzzle piece is falling out of place. I want to show you my chaoes. What happens inside of my brain, the tangled strings of emotions in my heart. But I can't. I'm trying not to be in this white girl drama of a chick who's hurt from the world for not giving her what she wants. But I'm just a girl who have lost or never gained what the world seems to give a lot of people.  In the past year, I lost people, I lost my job, I went through intense exams, I survived war, I lost my house , I lost my father. I don't care what happens anymore in the world or in my country. For all I know, the world can burn and I wouldn't care anymore, because losing someone , a parent, changes your perspective on life. Not that you stay depressed all the time, no, but loss is a feeling that shapes what you understand of the world around you. And I have lost a lot. I'm just a girl asking the world not t...

 365 days in eternity. She had lasted alas! In this spherical existence that she calls planet, she was caged, bounded. She was hurt, angry, confused. She was withering. What she used to think as her journey to the sky and beyond, shattered her beliefs, opened up her scars and let her bleed. Her blood ran blue. She was a witch, and she was a banshee, and her scream has reached the stars.  These mocking stars, twisting and molding her fate as if she were just a character in the show. Entertainment being for celestial existence.  She just wants to take a break. She just wants to be whatever she can be.

 This is just me. With everything I am, everything I would ever be. I'm not a disappointing potential, and I refuse to be a maybe, a "What if". And I was, for many years now. But, drama aside, I don't want it anymore. Within my heart there is love for someone I haven't met yet. And maybe these are romantic delusions from a hopeless romantic soul, but I deserve this type of stories. After all, it's not fair seeing you all moving on with love in your lives. It's not fair to break my heart to mend yours. I hated what you couldn't all be to me. I hated that I was ready to be all for you. But not anymore. For a long time now, I feel free, released. Not dragged down by mean tragedies. But as now I am free, the hollow shell is cracking to reveal its darkness, purging its way to the world. My ageless voice is humming melodies through life, with life and energy, calling you to come home to me. I deserve you, so fast, come home. 

Days passes so fast, but I'm still living there, in one moment. No one knows really, but I'm there, waiting for my resurrection. 

 Once upon a half moon night, she looked out to the streets and wept. 2 years ago, she started her journey to the sky and beyond, but she knew that the journey had begun ever since she matured enough to understand life. Now, she knows that to understand life, she has to understand herself. And God oh God! It's more complicated than she thought it would be! She didn't know that to understand herself she had to unravel every nod that shaped her networks and dig deep into the roots of her being. Going down, she looks up to the materialized world above and it breaks her heart. Detachment, that's what it is. Detach yourself from everything and maybe you will exist as the independent entity you long for. But for what cost? She already lacked the feeling of belonging. It's becoming harder and harder talking to new people. And even harder communicating with old ones. She's pulling away from everyone, and she can't help it. There's a huge hole in her heart that she...

It took her one week of social detox to learn something precious: Nothing Really Mattered. It's not that things are invaluable, but they didn't really matter at the end. Or in the middle. Being alive on Earth is.... something.  She's being ungrateful about everything. But him. She appreciated him long before realizing she had feelings for him. Their talks, jokes, deep thoughts, and planned future still hang in the back of her mind because she appreciated him from the start before he even got into her life. And they always told each other that they would love each other no matter how they were, where they were, and under any label, they titled their relationship with. And now, as he's labeled a stranger to her, she still loves and appreciates him knowing that this mind she will never find again.  Damn, this attitude of hers. Her pride. But, it doesn't matter. Because they come and go, she told herself. Because, as they come she would welcome them, appreciate them, en...

 A coin has two sides. But, flip the coin and you see neither. The truth can be hidden with its unstoppable motion. You run a river of truth and you might just become an illusion. She had always sought the truth by the river of lies, only to find herself desperate for someone to show what she clearly sees. Darkness, more darkness. And when darkness infiltrated her veins, seeing those lies became her truth. What can she do? Not until she drowned one day, suffocated by pain, did she uncover the ugly truth.  What is her ugly truth, you wonder? It is that fear crippled her from being her authentic self, fear holds her down from reaching the sky and beyond. Fear keeps her from her family, blood, and magic. And fear cages her into seeing the truth she sought. Do not be misled though, she has courage and acts upon it. But in her mind's deepest, most inner shell, she is afraid of existence itself, so she denies herself to roam freely on her planet, authentically as a human being....

 Won't you kill me already? You ripped my soul off me with that look. Frustration, anger, sadness, pain and a taste of revenge. I felt the world fell apart, my word, just because you didn't smile.  ; It's your hand I need the most on my heart. And a cigarette. I wanted to tell you how much I adore you still. I wanted to tell you that I still love you, that your name on my screen hurted me badly I had to remove it. 

I want someone to look at me like I'm the one and only, Who wishes always by his side to have me, never lonely. I want someone who sees me as a piece of art, Chaotic and beautiful, stirring rage within his heart. Each time he'd see me, his heart would skip a beat, Joking, he'd tell me I will be his end indeed. Someone to adore me with an elegant grace, To swear to protect me when fear I must face. Someone in whose arms I feel utterly safe, Knowing that there, I alone have my place. But also, someone to hate me, to see my darkest side, Yet choose to stay, in love to abide. Someone who knows my flaws, even when I scare him, Who wouldn't leave, knowing I would always spear him. And when I get angry, and start using my potions and spells, He'd be the dark lord in our castle where love dwells. And as much as I desire someone to love me, I want to adore him so deeply that it pains me. I want someone to look at him as a piece of art, Chaotic and beautiful, stirring rage wi...

Someone once told me I have my seasons. I can get you into awww one day and the other you could be wondering why do I  exist in your life. For that, I'm nobody's one. No one waits for my stories. No one search for my car on the road. No one waits me to post where I am and come to meet me. No one thinks of me all the time. Sometimes I think it's my fault. As if I'm not interesting enough, I'm not beautiful enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not smart enough. I'm not rich, I haven't reached success yet, and I'm kind of chubby. I got anxious when someone approaches me, I play it cool but deep down I overthink and I start messing things up. I might tell someone in the face that they don't mean to me or I would never date them, but in fact it's the opposite. I act nonchalant about you but you could be my favorite person. I can make you feel that I'm the smartest in catching lies, but I lie to myself every day. If only you can read between t...