A little bit gloomy post

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I don't know.

I don't know life and I don't know myself. Recently every puzzle piece is falling out of place. I want to show you my chaoes. What happens inside of my brain, the tangled strings of emotions in my heart. But I can't. I'm trying not to be this white girl who's hurt from the world for not giving her what she wants. But I'm just a girl who have lost or never gained what the world seems to give a lot of people. 
In the past year, I lost a guy, I lost my job, I went through intense exams , I got a second better job, I met a guy , I survived war, I lost my house , I lost a guy (thankful for that) , I lost my father, and I got into a relationship with another guy.
But I lost my home and my father. I just can't process that yet.

I don't care what happens anymore in the world or in my country . For all I know, the world can burn and I wouldn't care anymore, because losing someone , a parent, changes your perspective on life.

Not that you stay depressed all the time, no, but loss is a feeling that shapes what you understand of the world around you. And I have lost a lot. I'm just a girl asking the world not to take anything from me for a while.

I am strong. Yes I know but I wish I'm not. I wish I can stand and scream till my heart stops.

I can't see magic, beauty or even the sky. Most days i forget to look at the sky even. I don't feel myself and I don't even know who I was. I just feel like an empty shell with no pearls in the inside.

I painted this


As a farewell to my father. It means a lot to me. But like always, I paint chaoes around a solo object. Chaos ,no matter how beautiful it is, is still chaos. And chaos means freedom. At least to me. And no matter what I paint, it's always a lonely object.


My thoughts are scattered and i seem I cannot be Potanda anymore. Or maybe Potanda is this chaotic person with a chaotic messy personality that simply "does not know" but she's trying. 
I'm trying because I don't want to give up. I don't want to waste this one life because no matter what my end is, it means I have lived.

And I just want to live to know.

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